Results Day is on Thursday. I’m not as nervous as I should be and this worries me. My Mum keeps
talking about how this day decides the rest of my life, but I keep thinking, do
I not decide? It is up to me what I do with my life. But I hate making
decisions. I wish I was young again and my Mum decided everything I was doing.
What I ate. When I go to sleep. What I wore
(actually maybe not when I look at some of the old pictures of me in these big
puffy playsuits that made me look like a giant marshmallow). I have this
constant belief that I make terrible decisions. Everything I do seems to be
wrong. I like to believe I don’t have any regrets (because after all, what we
regret can only make us stronger as we learn from our mistakes, right?) But
this is too big a decision for mistakes. To me, university is a big decision.
I am potentially going to
university in September to study English Literature with creative writing. I am
secretly shaking at the thought. When I got my results last year, I was SO deflated.
I kept the tears in as I opened the envelope in front of my Mum. It didn’t help
that she was extremely excited to see my results. I was excited. I thought I’d
done alright. I knew Maths was going to be a stinker (which it kind of was),
but I was good at the three other A-levels. Two of them were good, but one I
don’t even want to mention. My friends, who also didn’t do too well, blamed our
teachers, but I just blamed myself. If I’m not good at something, I’m not good
at it. Obviously, at the time, I was upset though. I told my Mum I didn’t even
want to apply to university and was going to leave school because A-levels were
pointless. Of course, I never did that. Leaving school and getting a job is
something I don’t want to do now, let
alone this time last year. I stuck at them for another year and applied for
some above-average local universities. I laugh thinking how my teacher had once
recommended I go to some of the more elite universities in the country. I
really hope I do well on Thursday, because I do work hard, but a weird side of
me hopes that if I don’t, the decision will be made for me. If I don’t get in,
I don’t have to decide.
At the moment I’m not
nervous because I haven’t got my results so I don’t even know if I’ve got a
place, but once I do – then it’s real. There is no way I could (or should) turn
down a place at the university I have chosen. I think it’s the right place for
me. I really do. I’m very studious and when I left school, I kept scouring my
bedroom for books I could study from. It’s definitely the ‘right’ decision. I
don’t know. I am very shy and when I went to an applicant day, everyone was
asking loads of questions and they all shook their hands in the air to divulge
with everyone else how much writing they had done and how good they were. A
girl next to me put her hand up and said she’d even wrote a novel. I felt out
of my depth. It’s not that I expected everyone to be bad or anything, but I
expected some people to just be going because they wanted to go to ‘university’
and think they might as well do the course because they managed to get a good grade in their exams (I don’t know if that’s rude of me to think). I mean, the reason I want to do
the course is to learn. I want to be a better writer. I don’t want to go there
knowing everything because that defeats the point of going. I don’t want the
university ‘experience’ like others do (which may sound crazy to some people).
I just want to go because reading and writing is my hobby and I think I can be
good at it with help. I want to be a better writer. There is only so much books
can teach you.
I haven’t applied for
student accommodation. I don’t know if that’s the right decision or not. Most
people do. But then again, most people don’t suffer social anxiety (or they do, but maybe not as bad as I do). I would
absolutely love to move out and have my own house. On my own. I don’t really
want to share a place with other people I don’t know. I don’t want to have to
have my breakfast with other people watching me. Or to be pestered when I’m in
my room and reading a good book. I don’t want any of that. I want to have good
friends who I go out with and have a good time with. But, I don’t want to live
with them. I’m scared I’m going to miss out and be the only one who doesn’t
stay at the university and be an ‘outsider’ for three years of my life. I don’t
really mind being on my own, but I like to blend in, not stand out because I’m
that weird one who no one talks to because I don't like to get involved in
seminars or lift my hand up to boast about how much experience with writing I've got.
I don’t know what the
‘easier’ option is. If I get in to the university I have chosen, do I go and
study a subject that I absolutely adore? Or do I decline it and get a job and
then spend my time thinking ‘what if’ I’d gone. What if I met amazing people
who were interested in the same things as me? What if I had the best three
years of my life? Or does results day really decide the rest of my life? Do I
fail to get the grades and let life take me where I am supposed to truly go? This
fatalistic side of me comes out thinking about this. I believe that if I’m
meant to go to university, I will go. I just hope that on the day, my ‘fate’
will be decided for me. I hate living my life like I’ve made a mistake, day in,
day out.
No matter what I get on
Results Day, the letter with its A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s or maybe even E’s, cannot
dictate how much I write. Even if I don’t go to university or get a job wherever,
I will still do the one thing that makes me truly happy. Writing. Creating characters.
Developing interesting plots. That’s what I want to do, and so, that letter
cannot tell me to stop doing that. That is the one decision that I can make all
by myself.
This Thursday is a big day
for not only me, but many people and I hope everyone gets what they hope for.
But, obviously, try not to be too disheartened if the results aren’t what you
had pinned your hopes on. Life has a funny way of working and everything
happens for a reason, whether you believe that or not. Yes, university can
decide your whole future and can give you greater opportunities, but it isn’t
for everyone and you never know what’s around the corner. Another door could
open and that might be the right door for you to open.
Thanks for reading.
Lauren
No comments:
Post a Comment