Scene between two paradoxical characters

I feel really bad for not having posted anything recently! To be honest, I've been out of ideas. Plus, I've been really busy at uni getting essays in on time (well...just) and reading lots of books for my course. I thought I'd post a short scene I've written between two paradoxical characters I had to create for my creative writing module. It's not the best piece of fiction, but the whole point of the exercise was to write something short fairly quickly and then in the seminar pick it apart and see where it can be improved. We've been reading Scarlet Thomas' book 'Monkeys with typewriters' which has been really helpful in learning the fundamentals of novel writing. This week, we've been focusing on how to write a good sentence. Cutting out the adverbs. Using word banks. Making it clear and true.  

I'm a very minimalistic writer. I always have been. I get bored when I read novels that are all description and no action. I don't like overly describing the setting because my main focus is on the story and the characters within it. I agree that there should be an even spread of description and story-telling, but sometimes I find that writers can go a bit overboard with unnecessary description. I for sure don't want to short change anyone reading my work, however I feel that people can imagine most things themselves. Maybe I'm wrong. It's just been something on my mind for a little while.

Anyway, this is a very short scene between a ten year old girl in a wheelchair and an adventurous boy, of the same age, at a park.  

 

This surely must be the best time of day, Sam thought to herself, while watching the black-bird looping through the square holes in the park fence and twirling toward a maple tree who’s crispy, orange leaves were being trodden on by eager children.

‘So you’ve never been on a swing?’ Mason asks her, with an evident lisp that made a whistling noise.

She peeps up at him. ‘No.’

‘Or a slide?’

‘No.’

‘Or climbed a tree?’

‘No.’

‘Or been swimming?’

Sam’s eyes widen. ‘Oh. I like swimming.’

Mason smiles. ‘Me too. I’m pretty good.’ She watches as his head blocks the after-school sun, his blonde hair filling the space where the rays should be. He kicks his legs back and forth. His shoes are the ones that light up as you walk. She could watch him walk for hours. What else is there to do?

She peers down at her shoes. ‘But it’s not the same.’ She says, the side of her mouth twisted in a half-smile. ‘It can’t be the same as walking.’

Mason swings his legs forward effortlessly, then back with such ease she thought he must be a fairy, like in the stories her mum had read to her a million times. As he flies forward again, he leaps off of the swing and lands on both feet beside her. The lights flicker on his shoes.

‘You have no idea.’ He says.

A chill brushes her neck. Angry footsteps fill her ears, creeping louder and louder. Her mum is power-walking toward her, keeping her black eyes locked on Mason’s, like if he got any closer, breathed on her, touched her, Sam would disappear.  

 

I'm hoping it doesn't get completely torn to shreds in my seminar tomorrow (which is very likely!). But, I guess negative criticism is better than none at all. That's the whole point of the exercise I guess.

If I can, I might post the altered version of this to see the improvements.

Thanks for reading and do let me know what you think :D

Lauren x